MaleSurvivor's Dare to Dream Program brought Message of Hope and Healing to Penn State University

We had a great team at Penn State in April for Sexual Assault Awareness Month for two screenings of Boys and Men Healing along with panel discussions.  The events were part of MaleSurvivor's ongoing Dare to Dream efforts nationwide to support male survivors of child sexual abuse in healing and speaking out, and raising awareness about this important issue. MaleSurvivor is a leading organization providing useful information to promote health, discussion and connections for male survivors of sexual abuse and those who support them.

MaleSurvivor Vice President Chris Anderson sums up the message of the event, "This story isn't about Sandusky. This story is about what can we do to help the victims come through what is a very, very traumatic, difficult experience.  The entire Penn State community faces a long road to recovery but is working to be turn to Jerry Sandusky child sex abuse scandal into an opportunity to be an institution leader in abuse prevention."

Further, Mark Crawford, profiled in the documentary about his abuse by a priest, and his own healing and and his tenacious efforts to change important laws to support survivors said, “It is so difficult for young adults to step forward and say that happened to me,” said Crawford. “That will only happen they feel safe, when they know that the community will not blame them, but put the blame where it belongs-- on the adult, the predator who really betrayed a trust and has done far more damage."

Our panel of speakers included: Simon Weinberg, Co-Producer of Boys and Men Healing, Mark Crawford, survivor and MaleSurvivor Advisory Board member also featured in the film, Founding Board Members of MaleSurvivor and current Advisory Board members, Jim Struve LCSW and Howard  Fradkin, Ph.D,, and Chris Anderson, survivor and Vice President of MaleSurvivor. 

Dennis Heitzmann, Ph.D. Senior Director, Center for Counseling and Psychological Services Affiliate Professor, Clinical and Counseling Psychology with Penn State sums up his experience of the event, "I know it was no small feat to bring all of you to our community from across the country, but I trust that you are able to appreciate the value your visit had for us.  It is a fine team, delivering a critically important message, and I hope that you are able to continue to share it more broadly.   I’m happy to share these and other positive comments with other campuses and organizations which would profit (indeed, who wouldn’t profit!) from your efforts...we need more guys like you (and women like your wife) with the vision and skills to make a difference in our society."

VIEW WJACTV NEWS COVERAGE OF EVENT:

http://www.wjactv.com/videos/news/group-screens-male-sex-abuse-survivor-documentary/vGqXC/

What Does Supportive Look Like?

When  1in6’s founding Board member, Dr. David Lisak, and I were talking with a group of students and staff at Brown University recently, someone asked for ideas about how to best  support a friend or family member who is coming to terms with unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood.

We had just watched a powerful film, “Boys and Men Healing,” a portrayal of the lives of three courageous men (David being one of them) who were sexually abused as children and then, as adults, found healing for themselves and have since helped many others. The film also shows scenes from a support group of men who experienced abuse, beautifully highlighting the value of men finding a safe place to share their stories.

Each man in the film described, in his own way, how after years of silence, it was speaking up about the traumatic experience that really started his own process of healing. They all emphasized how crucial the supportive response they received from others was when they did speak up.

But each also noted the challenge of overcoming socialized messages about manhood that made it difficult to reach out—messages that allow men to express anger, but discourage the expression of the deeper, underlying emotions like sadness, vulnerability and fear, and messages that make asking for help seem like a weakness, instead of a strength.  In my experience, men in particular need space and time to explore the full range of those options at their own pace.

So my short answer to the question about how to best offer support always is, “Ask what they need to feel safe. Believe. Be present. Don’t offer advice about what they should do or feel.”

Hearing that someone you care about was sexually abused or mistreated as a child can stir up intense feelings, especially if you have your own history of trauma. Those emotions may include rage, sadness, a sense of betrayal, vulnerability or a wish to punish the person who hurt your loved one.

It’s very important to remember that those feelings are yours, not theirs.

It can be useful to get some outside help to continue to keep that difference straight. To learn more see the Family, Friends and Partners section of 1in6.org.

A friend once shared a story with me about how he’d learned a profound lesson:

More than forty years after he was sexually abused by a much-hated coach, he said he still felt nothing but disdain toward the man who abused him. He recalled being baffled by a friend’s more compassionate approach to holding the man who had sexually abused her accountable for the harm he caused. When my friend confronted her with his confusion, she told him, “of course you don’t understand my way of handling this. You never loved the person who abused you.”

Every individual has a different way of recovering from a confusing childhood experience. How they describe what happened may even seem inadequate—or plain wrong—to you. But remember, it’s a process. What someone feels today may be very different from their feelings tomorrow or next week. What they need to feel safe in the present may not be what you think they need, or what you would need. Over time, they may eventually feel—or at least try out—all those emotions that were stirred around by you….or they may not. A big part of healing is reclaiming control over those emotions, being confident in resisting outside pressure to think, feel or behave in a way that is externally imposed.

Providing safety for someone you care about so they can explore all their options is what being supportive is about. But it’s no easy task.

My father was one of the most gentle, respectful men I have ever known.

In 1987, I finally told my parents that when I was a teenager, 20 years earlier, our parish priest had sexually abused me. My father immediately asked if I wanted him to go beat up the priest. Suddenly, whatever anger I was feeling toward the priest was replaced by the impulse to defend him from someone who genuinely loved me and was trying desperately to be supportive. I can’t help but wonder if some latent sense of male duty to respond to injury with violence drove my father to make an offer so outside his character.

But the silent, supportive hug I got from him later in the day was much more helpful. That actually made me feel safe.

Peter Pollard is the Training and Outreach Director for 1in6, Inc. Peter previously worked for 15 years as a state, child-protection social worker and was the Public Education director at Stop It Now! Since 2003, he has served as the Western Massachusetts coordinator for SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) and also does work for a Certified Batterers Intervention Program.

The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.

1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends, and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.

Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.org.

The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.

Why Do They Get Away With Their Crimes So Easily?

The Allure of Sexual Predators

Sexual abusers are hard to see, and the pain they inflict is ethereal. It is almost invisible. Sexual abusers like to give hugs, and say, “I love you.” They remember your birthday, and they seem “normal” on so many other levels.

After they have committed their crime, the abusers can be kind and gentle, and often are helpful around the house – and they seem to care about the ones they’ve abused. 

Meanwhile, their damage seeps into the heart and soul of their sweet prey, who feel toxic and heavy from silent woeful pain, while the abuser brings them flowers, and tells them how they are so special…..

This is the sickness that penetrates so deep, and hides under the covers of illusions of trust and safety. It is so terribly confusing for the victims, especially the children, who live in the house with the abuser. It’s not like a broken arm or a black eye.  The violence is presented as a gift.

Sexual abuse is masked more than any other form of violence, and yet it is perhaps the most damaging, because like cancer, it is the silent killer.

Asking a victim to come forward and confess the crimes of a parent who has just fed them dinner, or taken them to the zoo, or given them flowers, is equally as painful and distressing for the poor soul who must then try to hold on to their inner sanity, as reality slips through their fingers and truth unravels from a rich tapestry to a shroud of thin strands of twine that disintegrate into a ball of tangled, broken dreams and illusions of a former reality.

Sally Rice,

Author, Making Sense of Monsters

Mother of a survivor of child sexual abuse

A Community Blooms where they're planted

These are ways a community can utilize  the power of film to join together to educate and reach out to survivors of sexual abuse!

Written by, TJ Mohl, KCC Counselor

On the evening of March 21, Kellogg Community College was host to the
first regional screening of "Boy and Men Healing"; a film that
emphasizes the need to break the silence on the sexual abuse of youth
and adult males. 

It is estimated that 175 were in attendance at the event. The local
promotion of this film began with Mary Asmonga-Knapp who is working with
the producer of the film, Simon Weinberg, to promote a conversation on
male sexual assault in Southwestern Michigan. Ms Asmonga- Knapp is
from the Family Advocacy Program at the Hart-Dole-Inouye Federal Center.

In collaboration with Ms. Asmonga- Knapp, Joyce Siegel, Sexual Assault
Services and TJ Mohl, KCC Counselor and Advisor to the Healthy Choices
Leadership Organization planned the promotion and facilitation of the
screening. Sexual Assault Services were key players in the evening,
presenting free literature and resources at the welcome table. SAS
therapist Mark Scheffers, LMSW, was an excellent moderator as he asked
the audience to prepare for the Q&A time after the film even before the
screening began. It is the goal of SAS, with the support of local
counseling agencies, to begin a support group for male survivors of
childhood sexual abuse. 

Also welcoming guests was Tammy Phillips, KCC student and President of
Healthy Choices Leadership Organization. Tammy is always encouraging
students across campus, last night she was a warm and welcoming presence
to all who attend. Thank you everyone who participated in presenting
"Boys and Men Healing" to Battle Creek and our beautiful campus. A
special thanks to all the students who attended; you can lead the
conversation. Aproximately 30 Victim Advocates attended the event to
speak with attendees during and after the showing.

----------------

Written by:

Mary Asmonga-Knapp, LMSW, ACSW

Family Advocacy Program Manger

Deployment and Reintegration Support Defense Logistics Agency Installation Support

Battle Creek, MI.

The Battle Creek screening of "Boys and Men" at Kellogg Community
College in Battle Creek was received with insight, depth of thought and
compassion by the 175 guests attending. Sexual Assault Services of
Calhoun County provided a T-Shirt Display by victims and 3 Rows of
Victim Advocates to assist anyone who needed to talk. Literature and
contact information were provided to all who attended. "Boys and Men"
touches the heart of everyone who experiences the narratives of the
brave men in the documentary. This film creates an expanded heart and we
join the healing journey of those who spent so many years in silence and
hiding. To hear them speak their stories of freedom is liberating ! This
film speaks to victims everywhere; victims of family violence, sexual
assault, child abuse, for those of us who have experienced soul tearing
trauma as children and adults. These men give us not only their hearts
and souls, they give us COURAGE! Thank you for the gift of this healing film!

Mary Asmonga-Knapp, LMSW, ACSW
Family Advocacy Program Manager

Bloom where you're planted!

Help the Children Heal

This is a touching blog written by Randy Ellison, author of Boys's Don't Tell, giving us food for thought when reaching out to boys and adolescents who were sexually abused.

I want to share an amazing experience I had last week. I was invited to give a presentation to a small group of male  of child sexual abuse…….age 10-13. I was nervous at the prospect of sharing with young survivors. I wasn’t sure what to put together in the way of a presentation. I always plan, plan, plan, and then plan some more before I do a presentation (anal retentive I think they call it!). Well for the first time in my life it just didn’t seem appropriate to prepare in advance. I thought I would know what to say when the time came.

I happened to watch a TED presentation from Brené Brown on shame that day, which was really about vulnerability. She shared that vulnerability is not really weakness as we perceive, but is in fact strength. When we expose ourselves as flawed and are willing to show our vulnerablity, it is truly admirable and it opens the door for others to do the same. Well this is the theme I took to the boys. My entire preparation was based on a few words.

Vulnerability

Control

Secrets

Shame

Alone

Not good enough

Me first (to heal we must)

I’ll let you put your own meaning to each of these words.

When I arrived I was informed that the boys did not generally talk about being victims in the group. It was more of a peer support group. I started by sharing that I was a survivor, by whom, when and how long. I went on to share what it did to my life by not dealing with it. I then told them about the amazing things that had happened since I began to tell my truth. We talked about the words above and what they meant to me and what they might mean to them.

By the end of the time at least three of the boys had shared personal experiences and feelings about what happened to them. One boy age 11 told me about being ridiculed by a teacher for stuttering. His classmates were even harsher. As a foster child how he cherished the times he was allowed to see his parents. Another boy age 12 told me he attempted to commit suicide by taking pills, but now he takes pills that help him get through the day. A third boy shared that he was abused the way I was and sometimes he has nightmares and wakes up scared in the middle of the night.

I wrapped it up with how lucky they were to have a group and a place like they were at to help them heal so they would not grow up with the problems I had. They had the opportunity to heal and become whole if they chose to and worked hard. I left with a broken heart for the pain these children are suffering, and praying that they will go on to live healthy lives with the help they are getting at a young age.

It was such an honor to spend time with these victims who are crying out to be heard, loved and understood. Any chance you may have to step in and become a mentor or Big Brother/ Big Sister to a child like these, you will find you are doing heaven’s work. It is amazing how a little time and effort can mend a broken soul. May you be as blessed as I was that evening.

Randy Ellison