But no matter that the memory will not fade, the choice to advocate for other survivors each day is a choice that comes with consequences that I know, but I suppose I have accepted.

Each day, I will be reminded of not just the fact that I was raped, but what it was really like to be raped.

Each day, I will face my own pain in the eyes of others and hear it in their voices as they share their stories.  And I will see it in their bodies, as they sit twisting in a chair trying to find a comfortable position that does not exist.

Each day, I will become angry, no furious, at an abuse perpetrator, virtually unable to separate my anger at those who attacked me from those who have abuse my clients or my friends.

And each day, I will find myself frustrated, and disappointed, and even bitter, as yet another lawyer, judge, insurance adjuster,  business owner, neighbor, priest, politician, family member, doctor, police officer, doesn't understand what it is like to have survived such horror and what is needed to heal.

And more, each day I will find myself deeply sad, with a  pit of loneliness in my stomach, as yet another human being can't find the empathy my client needs, that I need, and looks away in the face of our horror, unwilling to look at the blood dripping from our wounds.

But I stay on this path and accept the consequences for the moments that give my suffering meaning.  For the moment we make a perpetrator answer for their crime.  For the moment we make someone answer for giving a perpetrator safe harbor or doing less than they should to protect a vulnerable child because of money.  For the moment I can deliver my client into life-sustaining and renewing medical care. 

And I stay on this path if for no other reason so my fellow survivor does not walk alone today.

And I stay on this path with but one hope: that my efforts will spare at least one child this walk.

Michael Dolce, Esq.
West Palm Beach, Florida

www.dolcelaw.net

MaleSurvivor Vice President Chris Anderson sums up the message of the event, "This story isn't about Sandusky. This story is about what can we do to help the victims come through what is a very, very traumatic, difficult experience.  The entire Penn State community faces a long road to recovery but is working to be turn to Jerry Sandusky child sex abuse scandal into an opportunity to be an institution leader in abuse prevention."

Further, Mark Crawford, profiled in the documentary about his abuse by a priest, and his own healing and and his tenacious efforts to change important laws to support survivors said, “It is so difficult for young adults to step forward and say that happened to me,” said Crawford. “That will only happen they feel safe, when they know that the community will not blame them, but put the blame where it belongs-- on the adult, the predator who really betrayed a trust and has done far more damage."

Our panel of speakers included: Simon Weinberg, Co-Producer of Boys and Men Healing, Mark Crawford, survivor and MaleSurvivor Advisory Board member also featured in the film, Founding Board Members of MaleSurvivor and current Advisory Board members, Jim Struve LCSW and Howard  Fradkin, Ph.D,, and Chris Anderson, survivor and Vice President of MaleSurvivor. 

Dennis Heitzmann, Ph.D. Senior Director, Center for Counseling and Psychological Services Affiliate Professor, Clinical and Counseling Psychology with Penn State sums up his experience of the event, "I know it was no small feat to bring all of you to our community from across the country, but I trust that you are able to appreciate the value your visit had for us.  It is a fine team, delivering a critically important message, and I hope that you are able to continue to share it more broadly.   I’m happy to share these and other positive comments with other campuses and organizations which would profit (indeed, who wouldn’t profit!) from your efforts...we need more guys like you (and women like your wife) with the vision and skills to make a difference in our society."

VIEW WJACTV NEWS COVERAGE OF EVENT:

http://www.wjactv.com/videos/news/group-screens-male-sex-abuse-survivor-documentary/vGqXC/

We had just watched a powerful film, “Boys and Men Healing,” a portrayal of the lives of three courageous men (David being one of them) who were sexually abused as children and then, as adults, found healing for themselves and have since helped many others. The film also shows scenes from a support group of men who experienced abuse, beautifully highlighting the value of men finding a safe place to share their stories.

Each man in the film described, in his own way, how after years of silence, it was speaking up about the traumatic experience that really started his own process of healing. They all emphasized how crucial the supportive response they received from others was when they did speak up.

But each also noted the challenge of overcoming socialized messages about manhood that made it difficult to reach out—messages that allow men to express anger, but discourage the expression of the deeper, underlying emotions like sadness, vulnerability and fear, and messages that make asking for help seem like a weakness, instead of a strength.  In my experience, men in particular need space and time to explore the full range of those options at their own pace.

So my short answer to the question about how to best offer support always is, “Ask what they need to feel safe. Believe. Be present. Don’t offer advice about what they should do or feel.”

Hearing that someone you care about was sexually abused or mistreated as a child can stir up intense feelings, especially if you have your own history of trauma. Those emotions may include rage, sadness, a sense of betrayal, vulnerability or a wish to punish the person who hurt your loved one.

It’s very important to remember that those feelings are yours, not theirs.

It can be useful to get some outside help to continue to keep that difference straight. To learn more see the Family, Friends and Partners section of 1in6.org.

A friend once shared a story with me about how he’d learned a profound lesson:

More than forty years after he was sexually abused by a much-hated coach, he said he still felt nothing but disdain toward the man who abused him. He recalled being baffled by a friend’s more compassionate approach to holding the man who had sexually abused her accountable for the harm he caused. When my friend confronted her with his confusion, she told him, “of course you don’t understand my way of handling this. You never loved the person who abused you.”

Every individual has a different way of recovering from a confusing childhood experience. How they describe what happened may even seem inadequate—or plain wrong—to you. But remember, it’s a process. What someone feels today may be very different from their feelings tomorrow or next week. What they need to feel safe in the present may not be what you think they need, or what you would need. Over time, they may eventually feel—or at least try out—all those emotions that were stirred around by you….or they may not. A big part of healing is reclaiming control over those emotions, being confident in resisting outside pressure to think, feel or behave in a way that is externally imposed.

Providing safety for someone you care about so they can explore all their options is what being supportive is about. But it’s no easy task.

My father was one of the most gentle, respectful men I have ever known.

In 1987, I finally told my parents that when I was a teenager, 20 years earlier, our parish priest had sexually abused me. My father immediately asked if I wanted him to go beat up the priest. Suddenly, whatever anger I was feeling toward the priest was replaced by the impulse to defend him from someone who genuinely loved me and was trying desperately to be supportive. I can’t help but wonder if some latent sense of male duty to respond to injury with violence drove my father to make an offer so outside his character.

But the silent, supportive hug I got from him later in the day was much more helpful. That actually made me feel safe.

Peter Pollard is the Training and Outreach Director for 1in6, Inc. Peter previously worked for 15 years as a state, child-protection social worker and was the Public Education director at Stop It Now! Since 2003, he has served as the Western Massachusetts coordinator for SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) and also does work for a Certified Batterers Intervention Program.

The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.

1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends, and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.

Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.org.

The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.

Sexual abusers are hard to see, and the pain they inflict is ethereal. It is almost invisible. Sexual abusers like to give hugs, and say, “I love you.” They remember your birthday, and they seem “normal” on so many other levels.

After they have committed their crime, the abusers can be kind and gentle, and often are helpful around the house – and they seem to care about the ones they’ve abused. 

Meanwhile, their damage seeps into the heart and soul of their sweet prey, who feel toxic and heavy from silent woeful pain, while the abuser brings them flowers, and tells them how they are so special…..

This is the sickness that penetrates so deep, and hides under the covers of illusions of trust and safety. It is so terribly confusing for the victims, especially the children, who live in the house with the abuser. It’s not like a broken arm or a black eye.  The violence is presented as a gift.

Sexual abuse is masked more than any other form of violence, and yet it is perhaps the most damaging, because like cancer, it is the silent killer.

Asking a victim to come forward and confess the crimes of a parent who has just fed them dinner, or taken them to the zoo, or given them flowers, is equally as painful and distressing for the poor soul who must then try to hold on to their inner sanity, as reality slips through their fingers and truth unravels from a rich tapestry to a shroud of thin strands of twine that disintegrate into a ball of tangled, broken dreams and illusions of a former reality.

Sally Rice,

Author, Making Sense of Monsters

Mother of a survivor of child sexual abuse

These are ways a community can utilize  the power of film to join together to educate and reach out to survivors of sexual abuse!

Written by, TJ Mohl, KCC Counselor

On the evening of March 21, Kellogg Community College was host to the
first regional screening of "Boy and Men Healing"; a film that
emphasizes the need to break the silence on the sexual abuse of youth
and adult males. 

It is estimated that 175 were in attendance at the event. The local
promotion of this film began with Mary Asmonga-Knapp who is working with
the producer of the film, Simon Weinberg, to promote a conversation on
male sexual assault in Southwestern Michigan. Ms Asmonga- Knapp is
from the Family Advocacy Program at the Hart-Dole-Inouye Federal Center.

In collaboration with Ms. Asmonga- Knapp, Joyce Siegel, Sexual Assault
Services and TJ Mohl, KCC Counselor and Advisor to the Healthy Choices
Leadership Organization planned the promotion and facilitation of the
screening. Sexual Assault Services were key players in the evening,
presenting free literature and resources at the welcome table. SAS
therapist Mark Scheffers, LMSW, was an excellent moderator as he asked
the audience to prepare for the Q&A time after the film even before the
screening began. It is the goal of SAS, with the support of local
counseling agencies, to begin a support group for male survivors of
childhood sexual abuse. 

Also welcoming guests was Tammy Phillips, KCC student and President of
Healthy Choices Leadership Organization. Tammy is always encouraging
students across campus, last night she was a warm and welcoming presence
to all who attend. Thank you everyone who participated in presenting
"Boys and Men Healing" to Battle Creek and our beautiful campus. A
special thanks to all the students who attended; you can lead the
conversation. Aproximately 30 Victim Advocates attended the event to
speak with attendees during and after the showing.

----------------

Written by:

Mary Asmonga-Knapp, LMSW, ACSW

Family Advocacy Program Manger

Deployment and Reintegration Support Defense Logistics Agency Installation Support

Battle Creek, MI.

The Battle Creek screening of "Boys and Men" at Kellogg Community
College in Battle Creek was received with insight, depth of thought and
compassion by the 175 guests attending. Sexual Assault Services of
Calhoun County provided a T-Shirt Display by victims and 3 Rows of
Victim Advocates to assist anyone who needed to talk. Literature and
contact information were provided to all who attended. "Boys and Men"
touches the heart of everyone who experiences the narratives of the
brave men in the documentary. This film creates an expanded heart and we
join the healing journey of those who spent so many years in silence and
hiding. To hear them speak their stories of freedom is liberating ! This
film speaks to victims everywhere; victims of family violence, sexual
assault, child abuse, for those of us who have experienced soul tearing
trauma as children and adults. These men give us not only their hearts
and souls, they give us COURAGE! Thank you for the gift of this healing film!

Mary Asmonga-Knapp, LMSW, ACSW
Family Advocacy Program Manager

Bloom where you're planted!

I want to share an amazing experience I had last week. I was invited to give a presentation to a small group of male  of child sexual abuse…….age 10-13. I was nervous at the prospect of sharing with young survivors. I wasn’t sure what to put together in the way of a presentation. I always plan, plan, plan, and then plan some more before I do a presentation (anal retentive I think they call it!). Well for the first time in my life it just didn’t seem appropriate to prepare in advance. I thought I would know what to say when the time came.

I happened to watch a TED presentation from Brené Brown on shame that day, which was really about vulnerability. She shared that vulnerability is not really weakness as we perceive, but is in fact strength. When we expose ourselves as flawed and are willing to show our vulnerablity, it is truly admirable and it opens the door for others to do the same. Well this is the theme I took to the boys. My entire preparation was based on a few words.

Vulnerability

Control

Secrets

Shame

Alone

Not good enough

Me first (to heal we must)

I’ll let you put your own meaning to each of these words.

When I arrived I was informed that the boys did not generally talk about being victims in the group. It was more of a peer support group. I started by sharing that I was a survivor, by whom, when and how long. I went on to share what it did to my life by not dealing with it. I then told them about the amazing things that had happened since I began to tell my truth. We talked about the words above and what they meant to me and what they might mean to them.

By the end of the time at least three of the boys had shared personal experiences and feelings about what happened to them. One boy age 11 told me about being ridiculed by a teacher for stuttering. His classmates were even harsher. As a foster child how he cherished the times he was allowed to see his parents. Another boy age 12 told me he attempted to commit suicide by taking pills, but now he takes pills that help him get through the day. A third boy shared that he was abused the way I was and sometimes he has nightmares and wakes up scared in the middle of the night.

I wrapped it up with how lucky they were to have a group and a place like they were at to help them heal so they would not grow up with the problems I had. They had the opportunity to heal and become whole if they chose to and worked hard. I left with a broken heart for the pain these children are suffering, and praying that they will go on to live healthy lives with the help they are getting at a young age.

It was such an honor to spend time with these victims who are crying out to be heard, loved and understood. Any chance you may have to step in and become a mentor or Big Brother/ Big Sister to a child like these, you will find you are doing heaven’s work. It is amazing how a little time and effort can mend a broken soul. May you be as blessed as I was that evening.

Randy Ellison

JOIN THE HEALING JOURNEY! 

Penn State will host two screenings of Boys and Men Healing, a Big Voice Pictures film about the affects of male child sexual abuse and the importance of healing, speaking out, and advocating for ending the cycle of the sexual abuse of boys.   

The film screenings and Q&A following will be held at Altoona Campus at 7:00 p.m. on April 3, 2012 at the Misciagna Theater on the Penn State Altoona campus. A reception will be held @ 6 p.m. that evening in the Titleman Lounge of the theater to welcome the speakers.  The panel of speakers include: Simon Weinberg, Co-Producer of Boys and Men Healing, Mark Crawford, survivor and MaleSurvivor Advisory Board member also featured in the film, Founding Board Members of MaleSurvivor and current Advisory Board members, Jim Struve LCSW and Howard  Fradkin, Ph.D,, and Chris Anderson, survivor and Vice President of MaleSurvivor. MaleSurvivor is a leading organization providing useful information to promote health, discussion and connections for male survivors of sexual abuse and those who support them.

The second screening will be held at Penn State - University Park (on Wed April 4^th from 7-8:30 pm in the HUB Auditorium.  The panel of speakers will be available for a Q & A after the screening.

Boys and Men Healing is a film from director and producer Kathy Barbini, and co-producer Simon Weinberg of Big Voice Pictures. Boys and Men Healing digs deep into the impact of male child sexual abuse on both the individual and society, and highlights the importance of male survivors healing and speaking out for the well being of our families, and communities. Featuring non-offending men, this film shows the profound effects of boyhood sexual abuse -- shame, intimacy problems, sexual identity confusion, post-traumatic stress, substance abuse or and unresolved rage that led to violence. Despite such devastating effects, each man ultimately chose the arduous task of healing. Through counseling, support groups and prevention advocacy, each man is a testimony of hope and the ability for survivors to thrive. 

Events are free to the public and open to the media, though seating is limited.

Free parking in lots.

Media Contact: Curtis St. John

cstjohn@malesurvivor.org

      914-447-0758

This film screening is sponsored by Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) and Penn State Student Affairs

As a mother of a child who was sexually abused, I consider the resignation of Penn State officials – including the president of the University – and the immediate firing of Joe Paterno – to be necessary first steps in addressing the sexual assaults of children that occurred on their watch.  But those steps are not nearly a sufficient response to the sexual and psychological torture visited upon those young boys.

Pursuant to the NCAA’s constitution and operating bylaws, the Penn State football program should be suspended immediately because the institution is responsible for the acts of its staff members and employees. Here, those acts were not only unethical but in many instances, were criminal, as well.Certainly, if the NCAA suspends teams and coaches for unethical conduct consisting of giving prospective recruits athletic gear or inviting them to barbecues, the conduct of Penn State athletic personnel here deserves the most serious discipline the NCAA can impose. The upcoming game against Nebraska should be cancelled immediately. Inaction on the part of the NCAA under these circumstances is hypocritical and grossly ineffectual.

Moreover, any Penn State staff member or other persons who were under a legal obligation to report suspected child abuse to state authorities and failed to do so or who lied to the grand jury or investigative law enforcement personnel during Sandusky’s investigation, should be prosecuted to the full extent of Pennsylvania law. This could include school officials in addition to the two already charged – Gary Schultz and Tim Curley – and could extend to the graduate assistant coach, Mike McQueary, and the janitor, Jim Calhoun, both of whom witnessed young boys being raped and sodomized, and failed to try to stop the acts from continuing or even report the crimes to the police. Even those officials outside Penn State – Joseph Miller, the wrestling coach for a local elementary school and Steven Turchetta, the assistant principal and football coach at a local high school – both of whom had either directly witnessed or had reason to suspect Sandusky’s crimes against young boys – should be prosecuted if they violated any state reporting requirements. The law cannot turn the same blind eye to these crimes – silence and inaction cannot be tolerated any longer.

So what is left after the smoke clears? The answer is simple but so sad – the shattered childhoods and lives of those young boys who were victimized both by Sandusky’s crimes and the indifference of school officials whose sacred trust is to protect children placed under their care. It speaks volumes that most of the media attention is focused on Paterno and the football program and so little has been said or written about the little boys. Nameless, faceless, “at-risk” children. It is more than ironic that the two boys whose sexual assaults were actually witnessed by Penn State personnel remain unidentified. There is no evidence that school officials ever confronted Sandusky to try to locate the boys in an effort to help them or at least to let them know that they mattered. Whatever ultimately happens to Penn State, Paterno, and anyone else atfault here, those boys and their  families are left to themselves to try to somehow overcome the horrific crimes against them.

Until society adopts a mentality of zero tolerance, such crimes will continue. These despicable acts are far from “horsing around” or “inappropriate conduct.” They cannot be viewed as similar to indiscrete sexual acts between consenting adults. Make no mistake – such acts are forcible sexual assaults on children. Try to picture the young boy being anally raped in the shower with his hands up against the wall or the child who was pinned against the shower wall while being sodomized by Sandusky. How can any thinking person describe such acts as anything but torture. Sexual assaults against children are among the most heinous of crimes imaginable because they are often committed by adults in positions of trust and they rob the victim of his childhood and destroy his soul.

A society that fails to protect its children from such torture because it does not sufficiently care about them, is morally bankrupt. No one at Penn State cared enough about those young boys to stop Sandusky. No one even cared enough to try to find them to provide medical and psychological care, as well as to let them know that what happened to them would not be tolerated. The mob mentality that rallied around Paterno appears to be choosing football over the welfare of children. One would hope that when circumstances cool off a little and those folks take a step back, they will recognize that their priorities are out of line.

Sexual crimes against children can never be tolerated under any circumstances. Those young boys are our children – yours and mine. Like many pedophiles, Sandusky preyed upon poor kids who had less than strong family support. And he did it so incredibly blatantly because he was confident that no one would care enough about those children to stop him – and regrettably, he was right for 15 years. Think how many of those kids could have been saved if law enforcement had done its job in 1998 and prosecuted Sandusky after he essentially admitted to assaulting a young boy in a shower. But the district attorney at the time decided against instituting criminal charges. The lack of concern for removing from the street an admitted pedophile is shocking but not so unusual – one need look no further than the church cases for other examples of the same type of official indifference.

In the end, we are all responsible for the safety of any child among us. Unless we realize that and act on that realization, our children will never be safe. And until such time, we must all share the blame and the shame in failing to protect every child – those at Penn State and those down the block – who are entitled to expect us to care enough to help them. As a society, we can do better. And we must.

Exciting News! Big Voice Pictures has partnered with 1in6, Inc., a nonprofit organization that offers online support and resources for the estimated 18 million American men who suffer as a result of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood, to produce Spanish subtitles for Boys and Men Healing from male child sexual abuse.  Additionally, the partnership included adding English subtitles to the film, now also making it accessible to people who are deaf and hard-of-hearing.  These tools will greatly enhance the potential for much-needed outreach within these affected groups.  

Boys and Men Healing (DVD) 

Los Niños y los Hombres Sanándose (DVD)

Quote from 1in6.org:

This powerful and moving documentary tells the stories of three courageous men, two white and one African American, who have found healing for themselves and helped many others (Asian American, Latino and gay men are also featured).  It is an insightful, wise and compassionate film that perfectly balances storytelling and reflection on issues affecting all men sexually abused as boys, including struggles with intimacy and the cycle of violence. Boys and Men Healing brings not only understanding, but great hope and inspiration, to men still struggling with the effects of sexual abuse, to those who care about them, and to anyone open to learning more about this issue. It truly has the potential to transform individuals, families and societies. -- Quote from 1in6.org

Este poderoso y conmovedor documental relata las historias de tres hombres valientes, dos blancos y un afroamericano, quienes se han sanado y han ayudado a muchos otros hombres (además aparecen hombres asiáticos americanos, latinos y gay).  Es una película intuitiva, sabia y compasiva que balancea perfectamente la narración de historias personales con la reflexión sobre asuntos que afectan a todos los hombres que fueron abusados sexualmente durante su niñez, entre ellos las luchas con la intimidad y el ciclo de violencia.   

Subtítulos en español incluidos en las opciones del menú.* Men Healing no solamente trae un entendimiento, sino también una gran esperanza e inspiración para los hombres que luchan con los efectos del abuso sexual, y para quienes se preocupan por ellos, así como para cualquier persona que busca aprender más sobre este tema.  La película tiene un verdadero potencial para transformar individuos, familias y sociedades.